Drag Show

Last year, my friends and I took a road trip. Our friend Kelsey was going to be in a drag show and we really wanted to see it. Her campus is only an hour away, so after classes ended, we all loaded into the car and headed up north.
At this point I have to explain the company I was with.

Brian is my best friend – we met on an overseas trip in seventh grade and have been buddies ever since. My mother practically adopted him. His little sister, Betsy, is the funniest girl alive. She can turn a story about buying celery into some kind of side-splitting comedy act that keeps you laughing for DAYS. Dannie is Brian and Betsy’s neighbor and our bff. She’s always around, being super clingy and touching your boobs, making inappropriate (and freaking hilarious) innuendos, and callin’ out da biiiitches.

So basically, today had to be epic. There was no other option.

On the way up, we entertained ourselves singing old A*teens songs and chattering away like usual. Dannie taught me the definition of a g-spot and offered to make a map of it for the boys. Brian complained about school, which turned into a competition of what all forms Zeus was capable of “going down on” people in, since he’d seemingly impregnated all of Greece.

And then later, Betsy brought up how in one of her classes, they’d gone around a circle and shared their most embarrassing moment as a sort of ice breaker. This prompted our own exchange of embarrassing stories, and to my embarrassment (irony to the extreme, people), I didn’t have one to share. I raked my brain for something that had set me off with burning cheeks… but nothing came to mind that could possibly compare to the outrageous tales they were telling. So I made up some lame story about using the boys’ bathroom and hoped they’d change the subject soon.

By the time we got to the drag show, we were late and we had to pee. Dannie, Betsy and I flew to the bathroom and ran back out, just in time to see Kelsey and her friends perform “Y.M.C.A.” After the show, we went backstage to hang with Kelsey in her construction worker’s outfit. There was a lot of merrymaking, dancing, and running around like awesome people. Betsy and I kidnapped two purple flags, named them “Broadnipple” and “Bodacious Dick,” and then had a fan dance with them. People were staring at us like crazy, especially me – but I was being pretty obnoxious (mine was “Bodacious Dick” and I didn’t have a problem shouting it loudly) and I figured they were just jealous of our awesomeness and recognized that we weren’t from the small school we were visiting.

After all the fun, we realized we were all pretty hungry. Kelsey had to go back to her dorm to change, so I followed her up while Brian, Betsy and Dannie hung out by the entrance. I waited outside her room while she took off her mustache and hard hat, and then bounded down the stairs in front of her in my excitement over going to get dinner.

When Kelsey walked out the door behind me, I heard her snickering quite loudly. As the others followed her gaze, Brian and Dannie began to laugh and Betsy let out an echoing guffaw. I started to freak out. They were looking at me.

I spun around.

And that’s when I noticed.

Stuck into the waistband of my skirt was a long strand of toilet paper. It was literally dragging the ground.


I threw away the evidence and we got into the car. We sat for a moment in silence.

Then Brian cleared his throat.

“And so Zeus went down on her in the form of toilet paper…”

I finally had a story to share.