The Handy Dandy Guide to Avoiding Getting Called On

Even the best of students have those days: you didn’t do the prep work for today’s lesson and your professor is the kind that gets his kicks from calling on unprepared students. He spots your nervous glances and he pounces, effectively ruining your reputation for the rest of the semester and thoroughly embarrassing you in front of the entire class.

But never you fear! With this lovely set of skills in your repertoire, you’ll be able to avoid both class participation AND humiliation!!!

Rule # 1: NEVER Make Eye Contact

This is Rule #1, because if you break it, you might as well be this guy.

Rule # 2: Always Carry a Beverage or Snack Item

Professor Meanykins is looking for someone to answer his question. Who should he choose? Two young ladies look like they don’t have a clue. One is looking around nervously, and the other is chewing on a bite of food and going for a sip of water. Humiliation will rain down faster upon the former, as Professor Meanykins will have to wait for the latter to chew and swallow. Guess which one he chooses…

Rule #3: Take LOTS of Notes

Even if you haven’t got anything to write down, scribble away furiously in your notebook. Look like you’re so deeply engrossed in whatever it is your professor just said that you have to write it down before you forget. But really just remember: it doesn’t matter what you write so long as you are writing.

Rule #4: Don’t Find the Page

“Please turn to page 27. Who would like to read lines 7-39?” You know she isn’t really asking. She’s about to call on someone. And it’s Spanish class, where reading out loud just ends in your self-image shattering to pieces. So don’t find the page right away. Drop your book and go looking for it. Take your time searching for the page. Whatever you do, don’t stop flipping around until someone else is picked.

Rule #5: Sit in the Middle

Not the back, not the corner, not the front. Basically, don’t feel confident. Feel like you’re sticking out like a sore thumb. Your professor’s going to call on those students who were silly enough to think hiding would work. Good thing I’m providing you with the real seating chart:

However, if you DO get called on:

1) You’ve not followed the rules. Shame. On. You.

2) Don’t say you don’t know the answer, or can’t read that paragraph, or don’t want to participate in the skit.

a) If you were called on to answer a question, answer it with another question. Just make a vague statement that proves you were listening, but also that you don’t fully understand. This confuses them, and they generally respond with a short lecture on the topic, meaning you and your classmates benefit from a small break in the attack.

“Please explain the knight of Olmedo’s views on the upper class.”

“I think he was trying to say that he was from the upper class?”

b) If you were asked to read aloud or perform in a skit, do it as poorly as your dignity will allow. Don’t seem overly excited about having to do it, but be prompt and obedient. If you can work up a catch in your voice, or shaky hands, you’ll score even bigger. The professor will feel sorry for forcing your participation and for being the primary cause for your humiliation, and you just might get out of ever having to do it again.

However, there is a fine line between doing it poorly and doing it horribly, and you will need to practice on your own to find it. Because, if you perform horribly, the professor will no longer feel guilty, and instead pin you as a student in severe need of their attention. They will call on you every class from now on. Better get to practicing.

 

Como estoy aprendiendo el español

Folks, I have been in a Spanish class every day for the past seven and a half years. And that doesn’t even count the two after school programs I attended in kindergarten and second grade. But it was not until this semester that I finally felt compelled to fully grasp the language.

And it’s all thanks to my professor. Because he is absolutely freaking gorgeous.

*Sigh* I wish you could see him for real, because that picture really doesn’t do him justice…


Anyways.

Up until this semester, I successfully evaded class participation with my Handy Dandy Guide to Avoiding Getting Called On. I would take a long gulp of water, scribble furtively in my notes, look quizzically at a book as though pondering the answer to life itself, even feign ignorance that my name had been called until a fellow student took pity on me.

But not anymore.

How are you supposed to avoid being called on when you spend the entire class period staring amorously into the eyes of your Latin lover?

It simply isn’t possible. Now I spend every moment attempting to prove my deep understanding of his native tongue in order to gain his respect and adoration so that we can move into the Spanish castle I know he secretly owns and spend our afternoons siesta-ing in the shade of the orchard with our beautiful Spanish stallions grazing nearby.

“Emily, ¿qué dice Callisto a Melibea en auto uno?”
“Él dice que está enamorado con ella. Dice que nada es más importante que ella, ni siquiera dios.”

Translation (for those of you without hot Spanish professors):
       "Emily, what did Callisto say to Melibea in the first chapter?"
       "He said that he is in love with her. He said nothing is more
        important than her - not even God."

He so asked me that on purpose.


By the end of the semester, I’m going to be fluent in the language of love.

Our children are going to be gorgeous.


——————————————————————————————————————————————-

*DISCLAIMER!* If someone mean is out there snooping, please don’t fire my professor just because I live in a fantasy world. He is actually definitely for sure the best Spanish professor I’ve ever had, and I would be very sad if I caused him to be fired because I have an overactive imagination. I would cry. A lot. Please don’t make me cry.