Nick the Awesome Aussie

A couple of years ago I went on a trip with the “Social Studies Club” (aka the club for people who wanted to travel overseas) at my high school. For two weeks we traveled New Zealand, Australia, and Hawaii.

We had the best tour guide EVER.

Aussie men are either drop-dead gorgeous or butt-ugly. And the nice thing is that the butt-ugly ones have the best sense of humor I’ve ever found in guys my age.

I want to be Australian.

Nick told the best jokes and he was drop-dead gorgeous. Why he was piddling away leading a group of American tourists instead of simply basking in his own glory, I’ll never comprehend.

I didn’t dare flirt with him, though.  I was awfully shy (I know, *gasp*); and there was the whole he was twelve years older than me thing.

Nevertheless, he made the bus rides worthwhile.

When we arrived in Sydney, we were two hours early. This is better than being late, except for the fact that our hotel rooms weren’t ready yet. The manager stashed our bags in a storage room and promised to keep them locked up until we returned from our tour of the city.

After the tour, Nick called the hotel and they were still short a couple of rooms. My small social studies club decided to separate from the main tour group that was headed back to the hotel so we could go to the SkyTower. Nick told us he would take our bags from the storage room and keep them in his so there was less chance of anything getting stolen.

My friends and I ended up going to a pub for dinner after the SkyTower, and on our way home we passed a grocery store, so we stopped in to pick up some fruit. Before the fruit section, though, we passed the cookie isle, where our need for Tim Tams replaced our fear of scurvy. We rushed back to our rooms to try out the Tim Tam Rush for ourselves. [We’re totally ruled by our stomachs.] It wasn’t for a couple more hours that we remembered that all of our bags were in Nick’s room.

No one wanted to miss out on more Tim Tam time – except for Jill and me. As much as we loved us some Tim Tams, we were more psyched about a chance to see Nick outside of the bus.

On the way up to Nick’s room, we met the child of one of the other tour group members, Sarah. She was headed up for the same reason as us, so I didn’t feel entirely bad about showing up super late.

Sarah walked straight up to Nick’s door and banged on it. She was his best buddy on this trip and I was pretty envious of her.  We heard him yell “one moment” and then he opened the door.



You would have thought that out of all of us, someone would have called ahead to tell him we were on our way.

Jill and I were speechless.

Sarah was not. She looked at Nick, crossed her arms, and said quite patronizingly, “Put some clothes on.”

Nick slammed the door shut before Jill or I could protest.

Five minutes later he opened the door, tossed out our bags, and slammed it closed again.

We couldn’t stop giggling for the rest of the trip.

The Handy Dandy Guide to Avoiding Getting Called On

Even the best of students have those days: you didn’t do the prep work for today’s lesson and your professor is the kind that gets his kicks from calling on unprepared students. He spots your nervous glances and he pounces, effectively ruining your reputation for the rest of the semester and thoroughly embarrassing you in front of the entire class.

But never you fear! With this lovely set of skills in your repertoire, you’ll be able to avoid both class participation AND humiliation!!!

Rule # 1: NEVER Make Eye Contact

This is Rule #1, because if you break it, you might as well be this guy.

Rule # 2: Always Carry a Beverage or Snack Item

Professor Meanykins is looking for someone to answer his question. Who should he choose? Two young ladies look like they don’t have a clue. One is looking around nervously, and the other is chewing on a bite of food and going for a sip of water. Humiliation will rain down faster upon the former, as Professor Meanykins will have to wait for the latter to chew and swallow. Guess which one he chooses…

Rule #3: Take LOTS of Notes

Even if you haven’t got anything to write down, scribble away furiously in your notebook. Look like you’re so deeply engrossed in whatever it is your professor just said that you have to write it down before you forget. But really just remember: it doesn’t matter what you write so long as you are writing.

Rule #4: Don’t Find the Page

“Please turn to page 27. Who would like to read lines 7-39?” You know she isn’t really asking. She’s about to call on someone. And it’s Spanish class, where reading out loud just ends in your self-image shattering to pieces. So don’t find the page right away. Drop your book and go looking for it. Take your time searching for the page. Whatever you do, don’t stop flipping around until someone else is picked.

Rule #5: Sit in the Middle

Not the back, not the corner, not the front. Basically, don’t feel confident. Feel like you’re sticking out like a sore thumb. Your professor’s going to call on those students who were silly enough to think hiding would work. Good thing I’m providing you with the real seating chart:

However, if you DO get called on:

1) You’ve not followed the rules. Shame. On. You.

2) Don’t say you don’t know the answer, or can’t read that paragraph, or don’t want to participate in the skit.

a) If you were called on to answer a question, answer it with another question. Just make a vague statement that proves you were listening, but also that you don’t fully understand. This confuses them, and they generally respond with a short lecture on the topic, meaning you and your classmates benefit from a small break in the attack.

“Please explain the knight of Olmedo’s views on the upper class.”

“I think he was trying to say that he was from the upper class?”

b) If you were asked to read aloud or perform in a skit, do it as poorly as your dignity will allow. Don’t seem overly excited about having to do it, but be prompt and obedient. If you can work up a catch in your voice, or shaky hands, you’ll score even bigger. The professor will feel sorry for forcing your participation and for being the primary cause for your humiliation, and you just might get out of ever having to do it again.

However, there is a fine line between doing it poorly and doing it horribly, and you will need to practice on your own to find it. Because, if you perform horribly, the professor will no longer feel guilty, and instead pin you as a student in severe need of their attention. They will call on you every class from now on. Better get to practicing.